Carpe Diem

Once upon a time, I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up.  From a simple view, outsider looking in - I've done that. Check - accomplished! Done - great job!  All my previous choices have led to my current role as Director of Training and Development for a large organization. I am very employed, very successful, very well compensated...very disinterested and not so greatly happy.

I should be happy with where I am - should be fulfilled. There are those who envy "my success" and "station in life." There's a stirring emptiness inside of me, though - some need that's always hungry.  Is it that being grown up isn't what I thought it would be?  Or is it that, even at 54, I am still not grown up and maybe, maybe I still get to choose what I want to be.  The little girl inside of me who's been clamoring for my attention keeps telling me that this just isn't it....

I think back to my dream of being a teacher...was that really what I wanted?  If I allow myself to travel through the layers of time and situations, and grasp who I was so long ago; try to remember what moved me to laughter, even to tears....I realize that it wasn't so much about being a teacher, as it was about making a difference.

I remember, as a young girl, hiding in my room when I was supposed to be doing chores - so that I could finish reading the latest, greatest library book.  Of course, I had my handy - dandy steno pad with me at all moments...and my favorite fountain pen. I loved to take notes - used to even take notes as I watched movies, listening for some creative play on words, thinking of when and how I could use those same words in a different fashion of my own.  

I was never as happy as when I could tell a story with words that mattered, that drew tears to the reader's eye or an uplift to the corner of their mouth...words that evoked memories...because at age 10 - to some small degree and at age 54 in a very,very real sense -  I realize that you come to a place where memories (and the events that make those memories) are really all that matters.  It's not the great career or the money or the once in a lifetime trip to Paris or even the fabulous house decorated just as you always dreamed in tones of blue and beige with a french country parisian flair.

So - decision point.  Do I stay where I am and enjoy the feast of the outward trappings?  Or do I listen to the little girl inside who wants me to choose her again?  She's been trying to get my attention for awhile; it's been increasingly difficult to chase her away.  Recently, I think she's been with me most every waking moment...so this assignment of plotting a decision path, is - while not easy - also not really that difficult.

Maybe I am in the midst of a mid-life crisis, or maybe I've found sanity.  But I am reminded of the words of Erma Bombeck...

".... mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back."

My decision is to do just this - seize every moment, make every moment count, be true to who I am and what gives me joy...and while I love the parisian decor and I do like the "trappings" that a great salary provides...those things are simply things, nothing else. 

At the end of my life, I want to know that I lived it well, with love, and that I made a difference somewhere. And while I am 54, I am not yet dead.  I want to create, to write, to design and to be with the people I love.  

How do I get there from here?  Here's the best laid plan to date. 

Within 2  years (after completion of my Adult Education degree and receipt of a bonus payout the following spring), I will move to Tennessee to be physically closer to my "baby" boy and his new wife.  I will still need to support myself financially and I do need a position with medical benefits.  I've already explored housing situations and determined the lowest possible income on which I feel I could survive - with maybe a very few small trappings, like a pedicure every now and then and a couple of Starbucks a week.  Oh, and I do need to provide treats for my two dogs who I loving refer to as the Wonder Dogs.   My options are:

1.  Teach at a college level

2.  Be responsible for a training and development function 

3.  Support myself through writing

4.  Work in an instructional design group

5.  Be an outstanding executive administrative assistant 

Upon research, I have discovered that I will need at least a Masters to teach at a college level.  Hmmm...two more years of school on top of what I still have to complete.  Meanwhile, that's two more years before I could possibly move on with the plan.  And - who's to say I will even be able to find a position teaching something that is fulfilling to me...Strike Option 1... maybe if I was younger and in a different place. 

Option 2 - Hey, I am responsible now for this same thing.  Frankly, I want less - not more responsibility.  I want to be able, for the most part, to leave work at work when the day is one.  Option 2 departs with Option 1. 

I would love to be able to support myself through writing and just maybe one day, this could be a reality.    There is the benefit thing, though...and I do need to be able to pay the rent - and I've only published one poem...maybe I should keep this one out there, but not count on it as the only means to an end. 

Option 4:  I could do this, be part of an instructional design group.  It satisfies all aspects of what I think fuels my tank.  I would need to learn some additional skills - and I know someone who can help me with this. I could also take classes in this arena while I am awaiting the great bonus payout (and the 401K vesting - I don't think I mentioned that before).   I need to start building a portfolio.  I can do this and there are opportunities in Tennessee in this field.  And - benefits.  Sounds like this is a good direction. 

Option 5:  I would be a fabulous right hand. They would think I was a gift from the Gods.  I am organized, detailed - fabulously strong with follow-up.  Heck, I could run the place.  I am not sure if this would "feed my soul," but it would pay the bills, be less stressful, provide benefits - and create opportunities for me to have time to be creative on my own.  It's a possibility, one I won't toss aside - but also not the first choice. 

My best choice for my two year plan is to go directionally toward the instructional design situation.  I will continue in pursuit of  my degree in Adult Education.  I am going to purchase my own Adobe inDesign suite and either take a class and /or work with someone to master the tools.  Along the way, I will build a portfolio that I can share with prospective employers.  

Meanwhile, I am going to keep listening to the little girl as she tugs at my hand, wanting to walk awhile and smell the flowers.... Carpe Diem...she whispers...and I smile. 

The Impact of a Little Bit of Knowledge: A Learning Journal

Wow...what a journey so far! And it's only been a few months. 

"A little bit of knowledge"...the name of my blog is far more appropriate to my knowledge level concerning adult learning than I would have ever dreamed.  You function in a career for a number of years, and while you've had some education....you discover that you are so not educated as you (or others, thank goodness) might have thought.   The good news is that while in the original quote, "a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing"...I don't think I've "killed" anyone with my limited knowledge level. Maybe that is yet to be discovered, though!!  We will surely have to conduct autopsies, if such is the case.

Strengths:  My truest strengths are my tenacity to stick to what I started, my willingess to admit I don't know it all...and my willingess to learn and apply. I also can learn and apply very quickly.  And I have strong writing and creative abilities.  Not a bad package, if I must say so myself.  Surely these will serve as my witnesses if there is a trial concerning death by a little bit of knowledge.

Insight:  Insights...where do I start?  Some I've already noted....like I really didn't know it all, after all...I am really not the center of my own universe.  While I thought I was very learner focused, I can become so much more so by changing up a few things.  Another insight is that I haven't used or known how to use technology to my greatest abilities.  This is a shame really, since there's so much one can do with it.  But I am beginning to learn and apply.  (I will admit these - technology -  were not the most easily applied skills.)

Improvement: I am still learning to balance work time with "school time."  I am doing a much better job and know I have to plan it all out in advance. This week has been particularly difficult for me as I had major projects to finish at work in preparation for an 11 day vacation. My son is getting married in just a few days and both my family and the bride's family are tucked away in a beautiful house on the Outer Banks of NC...and what am I doing on this Saturday morning while all are out at play...homework.  No matter how well I plan, sometimes other things get in the way that I cannot control.  I don't think I leave enough time in my planning for Plan B or the unexpected. 

A Letter from Your Student

In response to Victor Hugo and all the non-believers...


Dear Teacher, 


Hi.  It's me...one of your students. I sit in the third row, in the 5th seat - everyday.  Do you know me?  We've never really talked much...in fact, hardly at all as I think about it.  Today - did you know that I already knew some of the information that you were "sharing," but you slowed down so much in order to go through every single point on your notes in the beginning of the class, that I just got bored and started writing a letter to my grandmother.  You didn't even notice.  I guess you thought I was taking notes about what you were saying.


I actually read the materials that you'd assigned.   I was even a little excited because I thought maybe we would do some sort of activity where I could better connect the dots.  I had a teacher last year that did that, and wow....what I learned.  I learned a few other things too...like how to have a good discussion when everybody has different viewpoints.  I liked that...it was fun, and it made an impact on me.  I did really well in that class.  And I made some new friends. Some of them are actually in this class.


Reading the materials you assigned - well, the stuff was a bunch of theory.  I couldn't quite get how to apply that theory and work through the rest of the assignment.  Someone did ask you a question about how to take the theory and connect it to our assignment, but you just seemed annoyed...and said we would talk about that later, after you finished this part of the lesson.  That person looked discouraged. I could tell he wasn't getting it either.  But we finished up with what you wanted to get through by the end of the class.


I went home and read it again...I still couldn't figure out the application.  I didn't want to ask you because you never answered the other guy.  I know that I learn best when I can read it first, by myself.... but then have discussions or something to help me understand.  I need to know how what we are doing connects to me, how do I make it real for me...once I get it, I really get it.  


How can I make sense of something that I don't understand and that's totally new to me in the first place? Isn't that why you are the "teacher"?  I know I have to do my part..and I think I have.  I just don't think you're holding up your end of the bargain.  


There are other people like me in this class. I know...because they were in that other class I mentioned.  It seems, though, that you always teach the same way.  I know that girl on the front row...she likes what you are doing...she seems to know all the answers...when you actually ask us questions.  And you seem so happy when she gets it right. What about the rest of us?  Don't we deserve the chance to get it right too? Isn't this class for me...so I can learn?  Or is it for you, so you can teach? 


Your Student...


You can teach a student a lesson for a day; but if you can teach him to learn by creating curiosity, he will continue the learning process as long as he lives.  ~Clay P. Bedford