Carpe Diem

Once upon a time, I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up.  From a simple view, outsider looking in - I've done that. Check - accomplished! Done - great job!  All my previous choices have led to my current role as Director of Training and Development for a large organization. I am very employed, very successful, very well compensated...very disinterested and not so greatly happy.

I should be happy with where I am - should be fulfilled. There are those who envy "my success" and "station in life." There's a stirring emptiness inside of me, though - some need that's always hungry.  Is it that being grown up isn't what I thought it would be?  Or is it that, even at 54, I am still not grown up and maybe, maybe I still get to choose what I want to be.  The little girl inside of me who's been clamoring for my attention keeps telling me that this just isn't it....

I think back to my dream of being a teacher...was that really what I wanted?  If I allow myself to travel through the layers of time and situations, and grasp who I was so long ago; try to remember what moved me to laughter, even to tears....I realize that it wasn't so much about being a teacher, as it was about making a difference.

I remember, as a young girl, hiding in my room when I was supposed to be doing chores - so that I could finish reading the latest, greatest library book.  Of course, I had my handy - dandy steno pad with me at all moments...and my favorite fountain pen. I loved to take notes - used to even take notes as I watched movies, listening for some creative play on words, thinking of when and how I could use those same words in a different fashion of my own.  

I was never as happy as when I could tell a story with words that mattered, that drew tears to the reader's eye or an uplift to the corner of their mouth...words that evoked memories...because at age 10 - to some small degree and at age 54 in a very,very real sense -  I realize that you come to a place where memories (and the events that make those memories) are really all that matters.  It's not the great career or the money or the once in a lifetime trip to Paris or even the fabulous house decorated just as you always dreamed in tones of blue and beige with a french country parisian flair.

So - decision point.  Do I stay where I am and enjoy the feast of the outward trappings?  Or do I listen to the little girl inside who wants me to choose her again?  She's been trying to get my attention for awhile; it's been increasingly difficult to chase her away.  Recently, I think she's been with me most every waking moment...so this assignment of plotting a decision path, is - while not easy - also not really that difficult.

Maybe I am in the midst of a mid-life crisis, or maybe I've found sanity.  But I am reminded of the words of Erma Bombeck...

".... mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back."

My decision is to do just this - seize every moment, make every moment count, be true to who I am and what gives me joy...and while I love the parisian decor and I do like the "trappings" that a great salary provides...those things are simply things, nothing else. 

At the end of my life, I want to know that I lived it well, with love, and that I made a difference somewhere. And while I am 54, I am not yet dead.  I want to create, to write, to design and to be with the people I love.  

How do I get there from here?  Here's the best laid plan to date. 

Within 2  years (after completion of my Adult Education degree and receipt of a bonus payout the following spring), I will move to Tennessee to be physically closer to my "baby" boy and his new wife.  I will still need to support myself financially and I do need a position with medical benefits.  I've already explored housing situations and determined the lowest possible income on which I feel I could survive - with maybe a very few small trappings, like a pedicure every now and then and a couple of Starbucks a week.  Oh, and I do need to provide treats for my two dogs who I loving refer to as the Wonder Dogs.   My options are:

1.  Teach at a college level

2.  Be responsible for a training and development function 

3.  Support myself through writing

4.  Work in an instructional design group

5.  Be an outstanding executive administrative assistant 

Upon research, I have discovered that I will need at least a Masters to teach at a college level.  Hmmm...two more years of school on top of what I still have to complete.  Meanwhile, that's two more years before I could possibly move on with the plan.  And - who's to say I will even be able to find a position teaching something that is fulfilling to me...Strike Option 1... maybe if I was younger and in a different place. 

Option 2 - Hey, I am responsible now for this same thing.  Frankly, I want less - not more responsibility.  I want to be able, for the most part, to leave work at work when the day is one.  Option 2 departs with Option 1. 

I would love to be able to support myself through writing and just maybe one day, this could be a reality.    There is the benefit thing, though...and I do need to be able to pay the rent - and I've only published one poem...maybe I should keep this one out there, but not count on it as the only means to an end. 

Option 4:  I could do this, be part of an instructional design group.  It satisfies all aspects of what I think fuels my tank.  I would need to learn some additional skills - and I know someone who can help me with this. I could also take classes in this arena while I am awaiting the great bonus payout (and the 401K vesting - I don't think I mentioned that before).   I need to start building a portfolio.  I can do this and there are opportunities in Tennessee in this field.  And - benefits.  Sounds like this is a good direction. 

Option 5:  I would be a fabulous right hand. They would think I was a gift from the Gods.  I am organized, detailed - fabulously strong with follow-up.  Heck, I could run the place.  I am not sure if this would "feed my soul," but it would pay the bills, be less stressful, provide benefits - and create opportunities for me to have time to be creative on my own.  It's a possibility, one I won't toss aside - but also not the first choice. 

My best choice for my two year plan is to go directionally toward the instructional design situation.  I will continue in pursuit of  my degree in Adult Education.  I am going to purchase my own Adobe inDesign suite and either take a class and /or work with someone to master the tools.  Along the way, I will build a portfolio that I can share with prospective employers.  

Meanwhile, I am going to keep listening to the little girl as she tugs at my hand, wanting to walk awhile and smell the flowers.... Carpe Diem...she whispers...and I smile.